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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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I saw my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend at the gym this morning. I had been so pleased with myself because I had gotten up early to go (usually I'll lay in bed for an extra hour before actually convincing myself to get dressed and go), I got a parking spot out front at the meters, and I told myself that I'd go to starbucks afterward to get a rare coffee treat and an inauguration-headlined nytimes. I was pleased when I arrived that the normally-crowded gym was nearly empty and that I had my choice of treadmills (I like the ones in between the speakers because then the music from the radio doesn't drown out the music on my ipod.) I did my "workout" and turned around to see that one of the other, whatever, seven people on the aerobic machines was someone I vaguely recognized. I wiped off my machine and ran through my mental roladex of whos and hows and wheres and whys I might know someone. I actually felt a little bit jolted when I realized who she was - and that I only "know" her through pictures on facebook. ooh, yeah, ouch. mildly embarrassing to admit. I don't know if she recognized me, or if it really matters if she did, or if she would recognize me as anyone of note, largely because few pictures of the two of us together remain tagged. (isn't that bizarre? to measure not only how you know or how well you know someone but also to measure the remains of a relationship by how many pictures you're still in tagged together? ugh, facebook.) I also felt a tinge of that, "oh, if only I had looked crushingly gorgeous or stylish or awesome when I saw this person, that would make this non-situation less awkward in my mind." which was equally matched with, "well, at least I'm at the gym and I look like I'm being productive." haha. this is what I get for being motivated.
here's the thing: I'm not really complaining, and I certainly don't think of it as "punishment" for being "motivated." (I won't hesitate to put "motivated" in quotation marks because certainly, getting up at 930 and going to the gym for a half an hour certainly only counts as a minimal kind of motivation.) he and I had fun, however many years ago it was. what I think is that it feels like it was a hundred years ago and that we were on a different planet in a different time zone, except that wherever we were had all the same features of college park, and that now, said different planet is somehow close enough that we'll run into each other now and then.
here's the thing: he and I were totally different people (I mean, thank goodness, why would you ever want to date yourself), but in totally different mindsets and totally different "places." I hate that cliche, that you're in a different "place" in your life, but the more years I've earned, the more I've come to realize that it couldn't be more true. we were looking for different things - not necessarily out of life or out of the relationship, though maybe - but mostly just in general. I, for one, can't actually believe how different I am from when we dated. in the meantime, I've gone abroad, adjusted, come back, adjusted, and then readjusted everything to fit whatever kinds of new perspectives I think I gained in italy. I am much more comfortable taking things on and traveling and solving problems and just being happy and whole on my own, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just see things and people and relationships (of any kind) differently than I did then, and I think for the better. and this is not saying that I'm the only one who has changed. certainly he has too, though I can't say I know how because I'm not exactly great at keeping up with the Joneses. I'm sure he's changed, positively, because we all change as we grow up, and we were so young that I can't believe - or maybe I can believe - that I thought I knew what I wanted or what was best or how to end things or whatever. (I guess you could say that I ended things, but don't tell anyone, because I will claim to my grave that it was largely mutual. which I still believe that it was. mostly.) how does that saying go? don't regret anything because at one time it was what you wanted? is that how it goes? it's something like that.
here's the thing: I don't regret that whatever we had ended. I really don't, honestly. like I said, we had a ton of fun, we were together for some of the best and most formative events/memories of my college career, and I can say that I learned a lot from him and from the relationship. he and I understood each other in a lot of ways, mostly because we were both in greek organizations and could sympathize with each other about how it was taking over our lives, haha. but truthfully we were sort of heading off in different directions, as you do in any kind of friendship/relationship in college. and there comes a point when you either choose to stick it out with each other and wait for your expectations to meet up somewhere down the road, or you get out of it when it looks like a good time to do so and then travel 4,000 miles away for four months to prove it. he's a great guy. really, he is. if he and I had decided to be friends instead of trying to be in a relationship, I think we could have been great friends to each other. I think he's a really quality person and a great catch. I can only hope that he thinks the same of me, plus maybe that I have ridiculous expectations and might be little bit crazy in that way. but I think we both realized (or if not, big whoops on my part, and I'm sorry, but judging by his subsequent girlfriend(s), I think that this is or was at one point mutual) that we were great to each other, just not great for each other. you know what I mean? I'm sure that his current girlfriend fits better with him, because, though all I know of her are some organization affiliations and some facebook pictures, I just feel like you can tell when someone's happy and when something fits. even if it doesn't last a lifetime (which it very well could, I'm not dooming anything here), you can just tell.
here's the thing: it's pretty easy to say all of this almost two years after the fact. it's easy to say all of it and justify all of it once you believe that you've worked things out with yourself enough to process, say, a run-in (a very fake and non-existent run-in) with the new girlfriend at the gym.
here's the thing: I am certainly one to take things personally and take my time to process the ends (and beginnings) of things. but knowing all of everything I've said and being comfortable with it and being comfortable with the past and the future and whatever comes in between somehow doesn't make seeing her hurt any less.
all of this, of course, must also be accompanied by the story that I saw the other (or another, I don't really know) of his post-us girlfriends walking across campus last semester. they had already broken up by then, but she and I passed each other on the sidewalk and made eye contact, and we may have smiled at each other in that way you smile at someone you think you might know somehow to avoid being thought of as rude. I did the mental roladex thing again, because, naturally, she looked familiar, and heard at about the same time that I realized who she was a very distinctive "hm!" of realization come from her after we passed. I got great and lasting joy out of that interaction. because we had had the same thoughts.
I think it's funny also because at that point, no matter what had happened in between, it was some girl thing where I think we filed each other away in the so-and-so's ex-girlfriends file. where somehow, there was some kind of odd comfort in having common ground.
I'm also not going to apologize for being a facebook stalker because even if you only check someone's profile if they update something, nearly everyone is these days. so that's that.
now that I've had my first coffee in about a hundred years, I'm jittery and really need to shower after my "motivated workout." and then it's time to buy schoolbooks!
back to the grind, the final one of my undergraduate career, and maybe ever, on monday.
no matter what, i do sincerely hope this finds you well.
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Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
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death cab generally speaks the words of my SOUL (kidding!), but I find "the new year" particularly fitting.
(ben and zooey!?! I don't know why, I just love them.)
I feel like the new year is always weird. days pass seamlessly into each other all the time, but the new year, however anticlimactic it is, for whatever reason gives way to a stroke of midnight different from all the rest of the days of the year. I think I've said it before - I don't really believe in countdowns, mostly because my father always told us to avoid wishing our lives away (an arguable point). except, however, in the last ten seconds of a year. first of all, i think this countdown is okay because it's only ten seconds. second, I think it has something to do with taking a deep breath and heading into something new. it's like, just the mental thing of having to switch over from writing 2008 to writing 2009 is a change, so you might as well make a list of other things to improve or change or stop doing or start doing. I've read a lot this season about vowing to make small, habitual changes instead of vowing to make these impossible change-the-world changes, but in reality, it's a good time for changing the world. so maybe all those small changes this year will add up to a couple, if not a ton, of change-the-world changes.
here's the thing: I don't get political. ever. I don't think that politics are the be-all-end-all, and I don't think we should put all our eggs in that basket. and maybe this year, even, one of my resolutions will be to take things into my own hands, to learn things for myself, to figure out how to make lots of little changes into one big change, just so I don't make a habit of other... habits. it might be best in that case, then, to change things for me so that later, I can spend more time making life easier or more beautiful for people around me. but I think the important thing to remember is that the new year is a time to reflect and be thankful for the last year, then take it, pack it away, and thankfully move on to a new year. (we all know that I need a new year as much as the next guy. like I said, peace OUT, 2008.) it's just really time for a breath of fresh air, a new perspective, and a refocusing of energies. I mean, no one's saying we can't. as a matter of fact, there might just be someone who's saying, yes we...
it snowed last night (see also: half the reason I love driving north to come home to pennsylvania in the winter). just thought I'd share.
I'm spending tonight with my 14-year-old cousin Meg (and maybe Pete and Tom?) who not only shares my JoBros love (red dress!) but is also significantly cooler than I am. I'm really, really looking forward to it. Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve With Ryan Seacrest, here we come!
here's to 2009.
so this is the new year
and I don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).
so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions
so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogs bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
then I could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that could hold us back.
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Monday, October 27th, 2008
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all I'd really like at this point is enough time - on top of the time to get my schoolwork done - to read newsweek and vogue cover-to-cover. all I want is enough time for pleasure reading. what I'd like is enough time to clean my bathroom, to do the winter equivalent of spring cleaning - to sift through my drawers and get rid of the things I don't wear and won't wear - and enough time to sit for a minute and think about how I've had a very efficient day getting things done, because I've gotten done enough of the things on my school list to actually complete some of the things on my own list.
that's all I really want. I don't think that's too much to ask.
dear midterms
(and papers and projects and all of the other things that manage to take over my life),
I hate you.
love,
kate.
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Friday, October 3rd, 2008
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you know what? I don't actually care at all about the definition of poverty in 18th and 19th century latin america. I just don't. I don't care if I never learn another thing about poverty in colonial latin america.
I just finished a short paper on the topic. they were the most onerous readings I've ever done for a history class. ever. I don't like reading about the colonial period. blasphemy, I know. but I just don't enjoy it the way I enjoy 20th century history. and I really don't enjoy reading about latin america in general. these are the reasons why I didn't want to read these chapters about colonial latin america in the first place, which is why I didn't read them in the first place, which is why I spent the last week reading them for the first time. preposterous!
I just needed to express this somewhere.
yesterday was my birthday. I am now 22 years old. that is weird.
(you can imagine, then, why, in post-celebration mode, I wanted to write this paper even less.)
it was a lovely birthday.
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weird that I'm writing twice in 24 hours, right?
I just need to say one thing: being a college student and not being on facebook doesn't make you cool and rebellious. even the really coooool, rebellious kids have facebook. it's the great unifier. it doesn't make you stand out, except that someone will have to spend an extra ten seconds trying to figure out how to reach you. sure, if you were once on facebook and realized its ability to steal hours of your life at a time, or if it's finals week and it's ritual for you to deactivate for the week, go ahead and sign out. or if you're not a college student, you have no reason to need to be on facebook. in reality, in actuality, being a college student and not being on facebook just makes you lame and disconnected. and mildly impossible to contact.
slash stalk. slash find out in advance that you're not as cool as you think you are. slash not as cool as aunt susan (not cullen) thinks you are.
but it does make you much easier to forget.
I should never write things on the lack of energy and surge of emotion brought about by finals.
I'll remember that next time it's finals week.
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are you happy?
I always secretly wonder that.
not that I ever really could tell with you, but I really can't tell now, in pictures, in passing, whatever. and not that it matters, but I sort of just want to know. because really, just because maybe it didn't make sense then, and maybe because we were different people then, I still think that you deserve to be happy. everyone deserves to be happy, but I think you do, too.
so if you're not, please do something about it. you shouldn't have to just settle into something because another something didn't work out. if you are, go you.
I'd be interested to see how many people think this is about them. if you want it to be about you, then it is. because after writing, it could probably apply to a number of people. and because you probably deserve to be happy, too. but it probably isn't about you. the person it's about probably won't ever read this, or for that matter know that I think this. and really, that's okay. this is one of the few things that I'm okay with having floating around out in the universe.
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someone told me recently that i should write again.
you know, it's odd. if you asked, I wouldn't be able to tell you why I am writing again. I guess it's just time. eventually, maybe, I'll link to some of the things (or all of the things) that I wrote while I was abroad, just so I can relive it for a second. I think a lot of things have changed since I last recorded anything here. a lot of things have stayed the same, too. and really, in the grand scheme of things, it hasn't been that long. but maybe it's been too long.
maybe I just want to put off studying for (another) fifteen minutes.
I was looking back at old entries - there was something I wrote that was obviously very important to me at the time regarding an interaction with someone. uhm, someone on whom I was evidently very unabashedly crushing. I think the thing that I like about it is that I don't remember who I wrote about. I don't know now who that person was or what the interaction was. I have my suspicions, but it's strange because the couple of guesses I have don't really fit correctly into the time frame. or even into the situation - where I would have been and who I would have been around. it's just so funny to me. I know who I wrote about in several other posts, with similarly vague details, likely to someone who hasn't ever or will never read it, but this one mystifies even me. I really can't figure it out.
I kind of like it like that.
I think that it gets me because it's almost like I was leading another life. I mean, I was, really. it was different whenever I wrote that. whatever that "it" is. it was different. I can't imagine that that person left so little an impression that I would forget writing about it, but it's odd, isn't it? you know me, I rarely forget interactions, particularly ones that seemed to mean so much. it gets to a point where you have to ask if it's worth caring about - to which the answer is probably no, because said person likely didn't leave much of an impression - but it's fun to think about what was important and what remains important and what will become important - and the how the importance of some things are merely shadows of what they once were.
I guess that's a good jumping-off point. if I'm going to start something, here it is. meaning everything.
here goes.
I need some water and to get back to studying.
loveyou,
yes, so quickly and all over again.
love,me.
there is a time for departure, even when there is no place to go.
tennessee williams
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Thursday, August 9th, 2007
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I was just on facebook, stalking someone's pictures of a trip to europe
I almost threw up
I AM SO EXCITED
ONE WEEK TODAY
here's to refusing to live vicariously.
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we know what we are, but not what we may be.
william shakespeare
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Thursday, July 26th, 2007
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let's make a list of things.
there's nothing like...
...friends - best friends, old friends, new friends, mutual friends, once-lost-but-now-found friends, you-can-call-them-your-sisters friends, regular-dates-on-saturdays friends - who remind you, in fact, convince you, of the pureness and goodness of the world. I've just been blessed. I am just the luckiest girl in the whole world. I always talk about my family, I do, but I don't know how often I talk collectively about the extensions, the arms and legs of my family, that are my friends. I don't want to talk anyone's ear off, really, and it's not often the kind of thing that you can really write down anyway. I just, I mean, two of these sweethearts came to visit me last weekend. they are not only two of the people at school who really hold me up when I need it, but they're around for everything else. they're around for the messy nights and the days when our lives get messy. they're around for the hellos and despite the fact that someone has said goodbye, they never do. they keep me going, they keep me laughing, and we keep each other moving forward. and had our other part not been across the world in china, I know she would have been here, too. they're absolutely spectacular people. and that's what I mean about speaking collectively. because while I can point out these three people who happen to be at the front of my brain right now (if right now = all the time), I'm really just talking about all the people I call my friends. that is, I am honored to call my friends. they download music before it's on commercials for coca-cola and play it in the car on the way to the movie where one of the commercials will be for coca-cola, and the song will be exactly that. they make me mix cds, and I make mix cds for them, and they realize the value that a mix cd holds. they hold my hand, literally and figuratively. it's that steadying pulse you can only feel that is the only thing you need to understand. they're my lifeblood. they're my stability sometimes and my wacky sometimes. some of them agree to being my husband when I'm in between bouts of being totally intimidated by the number of people I know, who are actually my age, who are getting for real engaged. (like, for real engaged which is followed by for real married.) they help me feel less daunted by the prospect of that being a possibility in the future. they help me map out my life when I suddenly think that I need to reinvent. they let me plan their weddings that all of us are too young to discuss. sometimes we wander off in pursuit of our own... pursuits, but it's that place you always call home. no matter where you are or who you're with. home is home is home. it's not a place but the people who help you build it. a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.
...13-year-old girls who a.)share your love of the disney channel and b.) love your clothes, despite having parents who could stand on a red carpet in hollywood and not look out of place - and then tell their 7-year-old blabber-mouth brothers who then tell you. mena and ricardo, who shall remain surnameless, are neighbors to both my grandfather and aunt mimi's family. mena is 13, or maybe 12, heading into the seventh grade, and ricardo is 7, heading into second. at first chat they are polite and quiet, but lend to them an ear that looks like it will listen to anything, and you've got a thirty-minute chat about just about everything. at least, everything I'm interested in. which means that it doesn't include politics or the economy or the state of the world. (which sounds horrible and like a stereotypical uninformed-and-I-don't-care american, but really, you know me. I will address what I like to address and know what I need to know to make informed decisions, but things like that are just not my passion.) ricardo says at one point, "have you heard of dirt...biking? no, no, dirt...boarding?!" I, being the complete recluse/disney channel afficionado that I am, responded with, "what, like johnny kapahala?" ricardo was so excited and went on to ramble with great enthusiasm about dirtboarding, while mena gave me an excited look of enthusiasm mixed with skepticism because, you know, seventh grade is that age where you're not sure what's cool. leave it to a 20-year-old to tell you that it's okay to watch the disney channel. maybe that makes it not okay. anyway, following said skeptical look, she asked, "so does that mean... do you watch hannah montana?" and I of course said yes, to which she looked happy and went on to tell me how hannah had reached down and touched mena's hand as mena stood in the FRONT ROW of hannah's concert at the EASTER EGG ROLL at the WHITE HOUSE. and ricardo proceeded to tell us how they had also met the jonas brothers, sigh, who have pretty bangs and pretty guitars, for those of you in the unawares. of course this was also followed by stories of how maxime "max" talbot, penguins hockey love, appeared for dinner at their house with his girlfriend. they are family friends of alan faneca, and wait, let's just discuss again, in case you missed it, how they went to the freaking easter egg roll at the freaking white house. pepa is so lucky. mena has a giant crush on andy. don't tell andy. mena doesn't know I know.
so yeah, their parents are in the coveted "seen" section of the post-gazette on a regular basis, rubbing elbows with the best of pittsburgh and evidently with the heavy-hitters of the nation. so I sort of don't understand the grounds for this second part, but it is flattering nevertheless. basically mena went farther into the yard to get her bike or something and ricardo comes over and turns to me and says, "mena thinks that you have the prettiest clothes she has ever seen."
uhm, what? who... wait, what? so then he repeated it. mena was embarrassed, and so was I, but also totally wanting even more to be best friends with her. 13-year-olds rule.
and I actually think that I think that because I often think that I myself am about 15. I don't often think of myself as a 20-year-old person. I morethanlikely just celebrated my 13th birthday.
...sous chef geof on ace of cakes. I mean, we can be honest. I still have a soft spot for bakeries, any and all bakeries, just bakeries that bake things, even if they're really only making a hunk of biodegradable artwork out of fondant and edible marker and not anything that's actually edible. and I have a soft spot for boys like geof. so put 'em together and whaddaya got?
wait, so why do I love boys like geof? because: "I ate some gumballs. the white ones tasted like white, the purple ones tasted... like purple, so I can only assume that all the other colors tasted... as such."
and yet the only thing that hangs as a dark cloud over these great joys is the stupid 15-page paper that is ridiculous and I wouldn't have had to do if it weren't for a.) Catholic guilt and b.) my momentary lapse of judgment/momentary increase of... courage? gall? stupidity?
and now it is (what i believe to be) two weeks before the due date. I still have no sense of urgency and a decreasing desire to actually complete the thing. I guess the other problem is that I have been in such spotty contact with my advisor that I actually don't know when the paper is due. SO I emailed her and actually proposed a due date, have not heard back, and am thus assuming that my chosen due date will be the due date. I have read, possibly the sum total of one book. I'm not even going to tell you "one book out of x many books." because it is daunting, and you will be daunted and sad. and maybe six or seven articles, sure, but six or seven 15-30 page articles don't make up the entire argument for a paper FOR WHICH the argument, I feel, might not actually BE a real argument, or one that hasn't already been made, OR one that has been made before but in a better way. and can it really fill 15 pages? and can I really find any primary documents that will make it seem like a real argument?
and really, what was I thinking? who in their right mind would WANT to write a 15-page paper over the SUMMER?! oh well. live and learn. c'est la vie.
so, what. three good things and one bad thing that isn't bad but merely inherently evil? pretty good, I'd say. pretty good.
also, I am starving. I don't know why I am so hungry. and I am watching the food network, as usual, which isn't helping AT ALL.
I have three weeks to be in the best shape of my life.
let's just agree that that's not going to happen.
but that doesn't mean that I can't try, right?
good lord.
oh, please note. there was just a commercial on the disney channel (because what else do I watch?) that was something about radiodisney. I think it was for the top 10 most-requested songs on radiodisney. numbers 10, 8, 3, 2, and 1 were all hannah montana songs. hahahahahaha.
rub it in, disney, that hsm2 comes out the day after i leave for italy. just. rub. it. in.
time for bed. time for bed. time for bed.
heart forward.
loveyou,
love,me.
one must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star.
nietzsche
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dude.
favorite tip from study abroad packet #2:
know the rules. they ain't gonna let you into a church if you're dressed like a ho. pack a knee-length skirt and a shirt with sleeves.
okay, okay. so it's not there in so many words, but that's what they wanted to say. you know it.
my favorites come from maryland tomorrow. I could just absolutely jump out of my skin.
loveyou,
love,me.
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so I hate that a video from the soon-to-come sequel to high school musical makes me wish that my life were not lacking... or rather that it was more like... high school musical.
and I'm excited for hairspray the movie because it's a.) a musical and b.) I feel suddenly more allowed to embrace that part of me again, which is weird because until THIS SECOND I hadn't realized that I was suppressing it, so that's weird, and good, I guess, and c.) because zac efron is in it. I crush on zac efron like meg gegick crushes on corbin bleu. the only difference between meg and I is that she is 13 and I am 20. wait. that meg just turned 13, and that I am nearly 21. dear god.
that should explain a lot of my life to anyone who doesn't know me that well. to those of you who do know me well, this should not be news.
when the replacements comes on, you know that it's probably time for bed. or that you should be watching anything else besides the disney channel at midnight.
run and laundry in the morning (hopefully),
reunion after lunch,
and a date with my favorite in the evening.
loveyou,
love,me.
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Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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i love.
maggie gyllenhaal.
it was either a small ear piercing or a sleeve of tattoos a lá maggie gyllenhaal, mom. please be okay with the fact that I went with the former and not the latter.
please let me grow up to be like maggie gyllenhaal or jill nadorlik.
thank you.
loveyou,
love,me.
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so far, by far, my favorite line of all in any information I've gotten about studying abroad:
"Remember to bring your actual passport to School on Monday August 20th in order to fill out the required 'Police Form'!"
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Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
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chairs lining the streets
colors that don't run
divided, indivisible
dressed to the flags
happy fourth.
I got my visa to study abroad in the mail yesterday. at first, the turnaround was so fast (we sent it last wednesday and would have gotten it back on saturday had we been home to sign for it) that I panicked that I had been denied or whatever and would have to redo everything. but NO. and frankly, the thing is awesome. it's a sticker they put inside your passport with your picture and a hologram and a raised seal, pretty awesome. I am now officially allowed to study abroad - that was basically the last step - so, say, if it were set that I would be leaving tomorrow, I could leave tomorrow and be legally set to enter and exit countries. how just NEAT is that?!
I would get a sleeve of tattoos, easy. if only they weren't so permanent.
I really love the summer. I mean, we all know that I don't particularly love hot weather, but they past couple of days have been really just beautiful. they've been just the kind of days you want during the summer, warm but not intolerable, sunny but not overbearing, where the nights stay warm and the mornings are a comfortable temperature. and the people, the people make it worth it, too. it's like getting back to roots, like getting back to what you sort of had previously thought was gone. it's about this weird discovery of long-lost-best-friends and the wonderful hope that something still exists. it's like a freaking movie and who doesn't want their lives to follow along like a movie script? I feel like this summer is like a summer of rediscovery or something equally cheeseball.
god, I love it when you hug me.
I feel like I've also learned over, like, the past week and a half, that I really need to start taking my own advice. and there's something really satisfying about saying something out loud that you want to serve as help or advice to the person on the other line but it really just helps you. which sounds selfish? but it's not, because the intention is all for the other person. nevertheless, somehow there are those moments of sudden clarity, when you've had too much time to think about things and you've finally found some way to clear your head (mine is running - apparently I don't need to clear my head that often - ha) when things just come together. and there are and equal number of good things and bad things that come with that clarity, but it's clear somehow. and that's really good, good for your health, good for your heart, good for your head, even if it hurts.
weird, alton brown is holding a camcorder at the beginning of this episode and it's making me seasick. I don't usually get like that, I think I must have eaten too much today.
at this point - I was talking about clarity in my head, but yours? still cloudy. and I'm at the point where I don't know whether to be hurt or just... not surprised.
I miss shep like heck, she's in china (I know! she speaks more chinese than my sister and I combined) for the summer and we won't get to see each other before I leave for florence. bummer, but somehow, even though the two of us are admittedly equally bad at keeping in touch, I sort of know that everything will be okay. sniff sniff.
tomorrow I am off to college park for a long weekend. it should be good and good and good and excellent. I am SO excited to see big and biggie big, PLUS get one last chance to sit in the library and do some work SLASH not-do-any-work-and-contemplate-life-instead before I go off to pimp all over europa and contemplate life over there. hopefully I'll also get to see some wonderful non-sister people as well.
too much writing, too little sleeping, I have to wake up early tomorrow.
anyway, it was wonderful to see you.
it would be wonderful to see you again, take note.
oh dang, I am SO PUMPED to go to italy. I am SO PUMPED to travel and learn and grow and just... I am peeing my pants.
I mean, not really, don't take me seriously there. metaphorically speaking.
loveyou,
CANNOTWAITTOSEEYOUTOMORROWAAAHHHHHH
love,me.
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my battery (on my new macbook!) is running low, so this will be brief.
first, yoga was really good last night.
I have crazy dreams.
I saw a truck carrying glass doors this morning during rushhour. actual, complete doors. on a truck. like a construction-type pickup truck, with braces on either side so that said complete doors were actually on either side - the outside - of either side of the bed part of the truck. for some reason it blew my mind.
finally:
it's "i do" tuesday on the style network. as if we didn't know that I was already obsessed enough with the 21-day wedding party, now they have a DAY dedicated to the occasion. bad news. good news, really. I really am starting to believe that I should just give up and decide to be a wedding planner.
the other part of that obsession, then, I guess, is this weird obsession I have with diamonds. jessica can attest.
dear whoever-i-end-up-marrying,
I love diamonds.
I love the glamour of diamonds, I love the swell and old-fashioned romance and tradition that surrounds diamonds and engagements, and I want a private,, big gesture, surprise engagement, with a gathering with my family immediately following (you better have asked for permission first). though the surprise part shouldn't be hard because I think I am more oblivious than I would like to admit.
I love diamonds.
I have an unhealthy relationship with adiamondisforever.com and tiffany.com, and my personal favorite is the tiffany legacy setting. unless there is some ring in my family that I don't know about.
and because I am already considering saving for my wedding gown, you should probably start saving for my diamond.
I mean, in general, tiffany is always a good idea because it completes the dreams of moon river and cat and holly golightly and if you don't get those references then maybe you should catch up.
whoever you are.
hahahaha, I sound crazier than usual, I think, but whatever, it's the 21-day wedding party on the style network.
it brings out the best in people.
loveyou,
love,me.
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I just finished editing these champions bios that I wrote for the museum. they're of famous athletes who are from the area or played sports in the area -
let me tell you -
baseball is likely the only profession
where you only have to succeed 43.5% of the time
for it to be a good year.
that is
less than half,
ladies and gents.
no no, don't get me wrong. I am delightedly amused.
My supervisor - it's weird to call her my boss because a.)she's not the only person who asks me to do things and b.)I'm not getting paid by her - ahem, correction - I am not being paid at all - so supervisor is more fitting. Anyway, she is not in today. So I'm going to finish up working on what I'm working on and roll out, my homies. Probably only slightly earlier than usual, because I have a plethora of ways to fill my time (like, ahem, doing research for a 15-page research paper, ahem), but still, it will be nice to get home and sit for a minute. and mail some things, woohoo.
there seems to be something caught in my throat today.
yoga tonight!
in a potentially dangerous neighborhood! but we'll just not acknowledge that!
more on whatever later.
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Saturday, June 16th, 2007
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dear all,
you should know that I desperately love watching the 21-day wedding party on the style network.
and on tuesdays, there's a show called "i propose," to commemorate "the most important day in his life." crying, crying, crying, all over the place.
hahahaha, I love it.
I still really do toss around the prospect of being a wedding planner. I love weddings, I really do. I like the intricacies, I like the flowers, I like the idea of having a toe in everything that's going on. which I guess is kind of how I function in general, I get involved in enough stuff to have at least an eye and an ear on everything. which I think is funny, really, and I just sort of realized it. and what an honor! to be a part of something so beautiful. to be a part of something that really matters to someone.
who knows what the crap I'm talking about right now? not me, I'm too busy watching "whose wedding is it anyway?" to be paying attention to what I'm typing, or really even what I'm thinking.
but good news, on a different note. katie, caty, catie, however you spell her name I'm not really sure, who is another intern in the museum division at the history center goes to a yoga studio on the south side! and it's really pretty cheap, especially for students. so I'm going to do some kind of cardio three times a week and then yoga twice a week! I can't tell you how excited I am. my madre is really kind of skeptical of yoga ALL THE TIME but I really believe that it's good for you and that it helps you physically and mentally.
and then there are some brides, especially the really wacky ones, who will call you like 12 times a day. they want to talk to you about something like a shade of peach.
I know, I know, I will fix it.
No, I also know that I just wrote about nothing. I am very distracted and equally bored, which is why I am both writing and watching weddings at the same time.
I should shower or something.
loveyou,
love,me.
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today:
run 23:34 minutes straight
cool-down walk: 3ish minutes
and then I lost track of time because my watch starts itself again after a few seconds. weird, I know, and I'm sure it serves some purpose, I just haven't figured it out yet.
I think also that I would have been able to run longer had I not taken this one hill and misjudged it completely. usually I take another route, different by like a block, but there was a dog in the one yard that I'm pretty sure was chained but after dad got bit by a dog the one time he was running. bad, bad. anyway, this hill was GIANT. like, stand at the bottom and it's almost straight up, no lie. I should have known because I run down it at the beginning of my run but I didn't actually realize that I ran i the loop that I do because I'm coming from a different direction, blah blah blah, so yeah. I almost died, but kept telling myself that right after the giant hill, it would all be downhill. and it was, so I even finished my run with a run, instead of walking partly and then running the rest.
and really, it felt good.
I'm a little shaky right now, I think I waited too long to get water and I was probably a little dehydrated on top of it, so I'm pretty low on the water now. I just need to sit for a minute. whew.
alright, I was going to write some stuff about work, but I think I'm just going to go watch some tv instead. I'm also still pretty hot, despite the fact that I've been inside for fifteen minutes or so, so I really need to rehydrate, I think.
yaaaaaay.
ew, my butt is sweating. sorry, chair in the study. I hope I didn't take off any of the finish. I sure do stink.
I will say, though, that I thought I was supposed to hang out with an old friend this weekend and said old friend did not call back. though said old friend was the one who was pursuing the hanging out in the first place. so now I'm just kind of ... miffed.
fridays are elanadays. hooray!
I know I've seemed crazy lately and that you're getting the brunt.
(know first that you ain't seen nothing yet.)
it's just that I've just been thinking a lot, which can be good and bad.
so I've decided one thing
(and when I get the courage, I'll tell you out loud, but for now this will have to do).
all I want from you is for you to want me.
and if you already do, which I think you do,
or at least I hope you do,
tell me.
because sometimes I can't tell.
andifIdiefromdehydration,
loveyou,
love,me.
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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
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today:
70ish degreesF
slight breeze, sunshine, shade
almost no pollen
almost no humidity
run time: 26:19!!!!!! straight! up and down hills! and all over the place!
cool-down, stretch time: 5:11
26 minutes!!
that's all there is to say about that. really. I don't know what happened. but somehow it was really good.
today was a high of 73, tomorrow is a high of 90. awesome. if awesome also means not awesome.
smallville is a bizarre show.
my internship has been really good, I'm learning a lot. I recently found out, however, that in order to get my four credits for my hundreds of unpaid hours, I have to write a 15-page research paper. on something. anything. based on anything that I'm doing at the museum.
I wrote a 13-page paper in the time of a semester. AARRRUUUGGGGHHH. I'm doing it, though, even if it kills me. if I don't kill myself first. oy.
a couple of notes though:
first: sure, doctors stereotypically have terrible handwriting (my mother does not). but no one ever said that history majors have better handwriting. honestly, I have seen the handwriting of most of the people in my division in the museum and really, it's the worst. terrible. I don't even know where it comes from. most people, yeah. you can't read their handwriting. I remember a time when elyse was copying my notes one time this semester and kept complaaaaining about my handwriting (ahem) but mine, which I think is pretty tidy as a handwritten font, is not NEARLY as bad as people at the museum. honestly. I can't pinpoint what it is. no explanation.
next. the office supply drawer is heaven. there are multiple drawers, actually, full of office supplies. bitty baby binder clips, baby binder clips, mom and pop binder clips, and I think ginormous ones, too. pens, post-its, markers. envelopes of all sizes, for letters and for cds and for mailing really big things. it's really a good thing no one was in the fax room to hear me gasp when I opened these drawers and cabinets. good thing.
finally. I thought history majors were awkward. and note, I mean it, really. we're the most awkward breed known to man. but then I met someone else, who is also an intern, who might actually be the most awkward, lovingly, but awkward person on the enture face of the entire planet. art major, doubling with history I think and maybe even something else.
I decided also that I need to get a binder for all of the papers I am accruing on my desk. word! so old and official. except really unofficial. except I got to sit in on my division's meeting today, which was very official.
all of my joints hurt and I wore my brown pointy shoes to work today, bad idea. I always put them on thinking they'll be more comfortable than last time, but no. always wrong. so now my neuromas and my weird bone structures in my feet hurt, boo. plus all that running, but I'm not complaining about the running aches. I think they're okay. they're good hurts.
and I miss you, as always.
loveyou,
love,me.
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ktkakenn's journal